working on Praise of Motherhood, I had envisioned a book
very different from what I ended up submitting to my publisher. I'd just lost
the woman who'd raised me, and when I wasn't sitting around numb and brooding, I was frantically trying to contain the universe of loss and suffering in a single Word document on my laptop.
I wanted to write a book that expressed the impossibility of letting go. We're often told, when someone close
to us dies, that we have to move on, that things will get better. I couldn't accept this back then: I didn't think it was possible to let go of my mother, who had been so patient and kind during my weird teenage years.
The first two versions were entirely different from each other in form and tone, but they did have a certain
delight in chaos in common. I was mourning the only way I knew how: by adopting a hundred different voices, each trying to say something about my mother that the others couldn't say. One chapter was pure dialogue; another was a series of letters; for a while I wrote in breathless page-long paragraphs because it was the only way I could feel "honest" about what I felt. I'd swing from rage to self-pity to sadness to bliss to sheer bafflement.
It was only when I decided to turn this book into something that others could actually read without going insane
that I figured out how to structure a book like this. I cut a great number chapters because they were "honest" but unhelpful. I tried to make myself a sort of antagonist, so my mother's qualities as a human being could be emphasized. I
left things relatively ambiguous instead of offering anything like words of wisdom to my readers. I tried to leave the book as open as the wound that stayed after my mother died.
This has irritated some people. They ask why I don't provide a real sense of what my mother was like on a
day-to-day basis, or why I focused so much on how she affected my life instead of just writing about her, as a person in her own right. Fair questions — but I never set out to just "write about my mom". I wanted to write about the struggle
of losing her, and what made losing her so painful. That's why I ask questions in the book that I never really answer: because I was never able to answer them myself. They are questions that will remain.
Praise of Motherhood isn't a book praising all mothers across all ages. It's not meant to praise the idea of "motherhood" itself as some glorious ideal. I wrote this book because I wanted to transmit something of my mother to those who
didn't know her; those who, perhaps, need to hear that it's okay to say you love your mommy and you wish she could still be here when you feel like crying.
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